Saturday, December 24, 2011

How the Plague Infected Christmas!


Zombie plague 

Infested Who-ville

Many succumbed to the rot...

But America’s 1stSgt,

Armed to the teeth,
Did NOT!



He rechecked his firearms. 
On the undead twas open season.

How did the pandemic start? No one quite knows the reason.

An industrial accident? Plotting terrorists!

It could be, perhaps, the work of mad scientists.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been too much TV, the internet, and the mall.

But,

Whatever the reason,

His eyes blazing red,

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the undead,
Staring down from his bunker through his binos with a frown

At the boarded up windows below in the town.

For he knew every Who down in Who-ville hadn’t fled

And were unprepared to repel those reanimated.

"They’re completely ill equipped!" he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas! The horde is practically here!"

Then he growled, his trigger finger reflexively pressing,

"I MUST save the day. Man, this is depressing!"

For, tomorrow, he knew...

...The infected would destroy.

Would run amok through the town. They'd eat every girl and boy!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

On the Whos, young and old, zombies would feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast!

And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

Who children fleeing in terror, would fall prey to the beast.

Which was something the 1stSgt couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every zombie in Who-ville, the tall and the small,

Would stand close together, the odd one still roaming.

They'd gather in a mob. And the dead would start moaning!

They'd moan! And they'd moan!
AND they'd MOAN! MOAN! MOAN! MOAN!

The very thought of this noise made the 1stSgt groan.
 He exclaimed out loud, "I must stop the undead!
"
It seems like forever their infection has spread!
I WILL stop them from coming!

...By sword-stroke and hot lead!"

"I know just what to do!" The 1stSgt grinned ear to ear.

And he made a quick inventory of all his war gear.

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great zombie fight!
"
With this sleigh mounted flame thrower I’ll cook them all night!"

On the sleigh he loaded ammo

And his tomahawk axe

Slung his rifle, holstered pistols

And set the flame thrower to ‘max’. 

Then he strapped on his blade,

Hammered in Japanese forge.

A monster cutter indeed,

Crafted for carnage and war.

He cheerfully swung aboard
And the sleigh started down

Toward the homes where zombies

Were already invading the town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.

All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When he arrived to confront the horde within the town square.

"You’ll go hungry tonight," the 1stSgt hissed

And his pistols erupted, one in each fist.

Having gotten their attention, he continued the battle

Unleashing bursts of liquid flame and herding them like cattle.
Skin scorched, hair burning, they combusted in fire

Their bodies fell in a heap, a fitting funeral pyre.

The ghouls slithered and slunk, dead smiles unpleasant,

As the 1stSgt realized the fuel tank was most spent!

The ravenous swarm closed in like a mob,

But were dispersed again by flaming molotov.

Then he unslung his rifle. It spoke with a roar.

Well placed head shots splashing brains on the floor.

He was surrounded only once, for a moment or two.

Then drew his monster cutter and fought his way through. 


Heads tumbled like acrobats in the snow near his feet.
At the slaying of zombies he was considered elite.  
The battle punctuated with barking muzzle flashes.

He hurled corpses into the fire, burning them to ashes!

In the face of a ghoul a pistol he did shove

When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!

Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

Surpirse at the appearance of this little Who daughter

How did she wander out here amidst all the carnage and slaughter?
She stared at him frightened and said, "1stSgt, why,

"Why do the dead walk the earth? WHY?"

Without another word he snatched her up quick!

Seeking to take her to safety most riki tik. 

He ran and he struck to escape the tide of undead.

But they seemed to appear wherever he fled.

Their clawed hands reached out seeking flesh in their grasp

He cursed at the ghouls and continued to slash. 
Trapped! A dead end with no where to go,

Patting Cindy-Lou on the head, he turned to face the dead foe.

Pissed he had let them corner him so.

Then he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. 
Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared back at Who-ville!

The 1stSgt popped his eyes!

 Then he shook!

What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who from Who-ville, the tall and the small,

Were fighting the zombies! Without any training at all!

He HADN'T stopped the undead from coming!

THEY CAME!
Somehow or other, the Whos fought just the same!

America’s 1stSgt, with his booted feet cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Could it be so?"

They brained zombies with hammers! They bludgeoned with sticks!

Hit them in the head with axes, and socks filled with bricks!
“Enough with the thinking! There are zombies to slay!”
Snatching up his tomahawk he rejoined the fray!


And what happened then...?

Well...in Who-ville they say

America’s 1stSgt

Slew 10,000 undead in one day!

Inspired by his example, Who-ville fought through the night.

They killed invading ghouls until the bright morning light.

And when the battle was over, oh what a feast!


And he...
...AMERICA’S 1STSGT...
Served the first MRE!


Ha-ha! Merry Christmas everybody!
America's 1stSgt

14 comments:

TheNewMagoo said...

Thank goodness you'll no longer think me obtuse
For even these eyes recognise Dr Seuss!

Oh, i give up, all this rhyming is too difficult. Fantastic post! And well done for rescuing Who-ville from the slavering jaws of the roaming undead, can we look forward to a book of these exploits in the New Year?

Hope you have a lovely, peaceful and well-fed Christmas and that Santa brings you everything you wish for :)

Coffeypot said...

So lovely...brought tears to my eyes.

Bookworm said...

Someone (and I'm not naming names), has too much free time on his hands.

At least he's using it cleverly. Well done, oh Suess-muse.

America's 1st Sgt. said...

Magoo, you did great! Not so sure a book of me ripping off Christmas stories while fighting zombies will make a best seller though.

Coffee, it's refreshing to see someone appreciate real art.

Book, what? It's become tradition around these parts that I zombify the holiday.

Erika said...

This story has awakened a goal in me - I want a sleigh mounted flame thrower for Christmas. If not, a Japanese sword will do.

Anyway... Wonderful story, 1st Sgt! It made me feel all warm and gushy at the end, especially at the part about everyone turning out to kill the undead. That would be such a good Christmas!

Bookworm said...

Zombify . . . yes, I get that as a baseline approach.

Write massive amounts of clever (and violent) poetry parodies -- that's a bonus.

Becky said...

1st Sgt, I love you with my whole entire heart! Thanks for making me laugh. Hope you're having a great Christmas.

Bookworm said...

BTW -- where'd the cool graphic come from?

Bookworm said...

BTW -- where'd the cool graphic come from?

America's 1st Sgt. said...

Erika, it is my desire to inspire those around me with holiday cheer through the joy of eliminating the rampaging undead. Glad you liked it.

Book, anything in particular you'd like to see violently parodied? The graphic was done by one of my Marines. I'm not sure why he thinks I look like that. http://castrapraetoria1.blogspot.com/2011/06/americas-1stsgt-as-seen-through-eyes-of.html

Becky, my whole entire heart is touched by your sentiment. It is my fondest desire to spread a little apocalyptic cheer this season.

Anonymous said...

America's 1st Sgt:

Merry Christmas to you and all Marines everywhere. It is because of all of you that the rest of us may have a joyful Christmas.

Paul L. Quandt

America's 1st Sgt. said...

And Merry Christmas to you Paul. Semper Fi!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas to all your kith and kin. And to everyone else everywhere else too... except the zombies. Christmas Spirit only goes so far.

-Grimmy

Erika said...

Merry Christmas, 1st Sgt! I hope that you are having a wonderful day today and that 2012 will be a good year for you.

Prayers and blessings to you, and may God bless the Marine Corps!